no one knows what to say

♥Ryan Nolan Dean♥
March 15, 1991 - October 31, 2006

We had just talked and everything seemed ok.
Death never gets any easier. Three months ago when Brice was killed I attempted grieving on my own, and it was very difficult. Now, even surrounded by a group that cares, I am overcome with so many emotions. It doesn't seem real that he is gone. Ryan is gone, he is really gone. I want to be happy, but I do not want to move on. Each new day is a blessing. Take nothing for granted and let those who mean the most to you know how you feel. Keep your friends close, and your memories even closer, because one day that may be all you have left. No one deserves this. Soon life will move on, and although that will be nice, it doesn't seem right.

No one knows what to say to help the healing process, so alot of people havn't said anything. It's just not my personality to say "No, I'm not ok." *A shoulder to cry on* was lame and cliche before yesterday. No one can say anything to make the hurt go away, but the embraces mean so much. My true friends are the ones with my tears on their shirts, and in their hair. Thank you for the calls, the prayers, the notes on my windshield, and the shoulders.

I remember one time we were having a bonfire at the Dean's and Ryan helped smear chocolate cupcakes all over my newly waxed and detailed car. I was so ticked off and war began. I went to his room in hopes of embarassing footage. I found a Michael Jackson cassette, a princess Jasmine bath towel, and a pink-haired troll doll. Another time a few of us were at Wal-Mart and he just didn't care at all about embarassing us. He was talking way loud, and started dancing in the aisles. Whether there was 1 or 2 or 3 people in my tiny backseat Ryan always made himself comfy, and we were way squished. Online he always started a conversation with lyrics from one of my favorite songs. *Cause [you're] all that I see and [you're] all that I need and I'm out of my league once again.* Ryan made me laugh so hard and so loud.

I always had a good time with Ryan and I trust that He is having a good time now. Our God is gracious, and merciful. His love is unending and his forgiveness is abounding.

Psalm 119:76 ~ May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Psalm 121 ~ I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.

I love you.