Oh to be a child again.

Two fold blog:
1. I have realized that one of my most favorite things in this life is watching children participate in worship, in singing praises to our Lord. Last week I was a counselor at JBC, a camp for young children. One evening I found myself completely surrounded by little girls with their eyes closed, voices raised, hands lifted, and tears running down their faces. It was so inspiring to witness the passion and sincerity in their hearts. Yesterday morning I watched the India Children’s Choir perform in church and one certain beautiful little girl seized my attention. The song, in their native tongue, spoke something about having no earthly treasures, but Jesus is enough. What a powerful message to acknowledge and believe at such a young age.
2. I have really made many good friends in the last six months, yet I have also lost some really close high-quality friends. Not to death, but to other directions of life; change of address, change of family.. maybe I have changed. It will never get easy. I am half-expectant that the rest of my life may be this way, at least the next four years of college. One day I will move quite far from my family and my friends.. maybe with a husband and child. I have no idea where my life will lead, but I am learning to be dependant on Him to be “my steadfast”. There are so many in my life whom I have respected and depended on for guidance, many of whom have recently turned to another road. I am not ready to "grow up".. I hate "moving on". It often seems easier to others rather than to the true source, meanwhile I know I must also continually rely solely on God. Nonetheless, thank you to those who have always been there for me.

Holy Stomachache.

I have lost my special Bible. Sure, I have other Bibles; but this is the Bible. The Bible I have poured my heart into during the previous 3 or 4 years. The Bible I have shed so many tears over. The Bible that has given me strength and joy and peace when no one and nothing else could. The Bible that has proven to be truthful and promising. I have waited over a month for it to simply reappear from it’s vanish point, but it hasn’t. Maybe you would say I have placed all my eggs in one basket. I don’t care, I really really want my Bible, my special Bible. I know, they all speak the same message, but this one has really spoken to me on many occasions. I need that Bible, if for nothing else but security and attachment.

The Case of the Mistaken Identity.

In the recent weeks I have begun to fight an unrelenting battle to discover who I truly am, the being of my core. I am so continuously guilty of finding my identity in my surroundings, rather than in my heart and my soul. I find my identity in being a college freshman, in being Jessie’s twin sister, in being Evan’s girlfriend, in being a leader of my youth group, in my knowledge and experiences… I tend to take what people say I am and rightly make that who I am, in the full knowledge that that may or may not be me. My essence thrives on other’s opinions of who I am, not that I am out to impress but instead to live on what they suppose, rather than what I know. I let people believe what they think. Though I am a leader, I am not confident; I have no idea who I am or what I want in life. After eighteen years of life, I have yet to determine any possible gifts and abilities that I may possess. I do know that I am emotional. I am indecisive. I care about a person’s wants and needs. I want to live God’s best for my life, yet I have no concept of what it is.
I must find my identity in Christ. He designed my character, my being, and I cannot genuinely honor Him with my life until I am living out who and what He created me to be; whether that means breaking away from the forged and artificial person I have become or excavating my insides to recover the truth within my being.

Meanwhile, I had a really great time at camp. I am sad that this is my last summer as a camper, but I expect there will be greater opportunities in college; whether it be on a summer traveling team, or in a foreign country on a 6 week missions internship. I cannot imagine how uplifting, yet exhausting, a summer of service and sacrifice would be. The friends, memories, and lessons will never be forgotten.