Yesterday was my grandmother's 78th birthday. Her body is weak, but she is still so strong. My grandmother means the world to me. She has been there for me through everything. As I reflect upon her life and celebrate her living I cannot help but praise the Lord for what she means to me. Grandmom is a tremendous blessing upon my life! She has been my greatest encouragement in following the Lord's call upon my life to serve Him as a career missionary. She has taught me how to pray and have faith in the Lord's guidance and direction. She is an example in everything she does. Through the struggles of loss and of illness, Grandma continues to serve the Lord with a heart so dedicated and strong; she depends upon Him for her very existence.
Tomorrow would be Ryan's 16th birthday; unfortunately we lost him on October 31st of 2006. Ryan was a close friend that could never be replaced, and although he is departed his memories will never be misplaced. The days and weeks after Ryan's death were some of the hardest I have ever experienced, but God provided love and comfort through others such as: my Grandmother. Ryan meant a lot to me, but I know he meant even more to God.
Although my loved ones may come and go, the Lord will always be beside me and for that I praise His name.
(posted March 14, 2007)
Please click the pictures to visit my other blogs:
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Why I may or may not have a normal life in the future.
To the dismay of some and the support of others, I will not be living a happy life with my family in Indiana, in America; but, rather, I will be living a happy life with a new family in a new place, possibly very far away. I do not know where, and I do not know what I will be doing. I have pondered many "career" options, but have come to zero conclusions. I have considered a minor in Spanish, possibly going into ESL (teaching English as a 2nd language), but I am just not sure. Now, on to *Why I may or may not have a normal life in the future.*
Will my children know what it's like to get birthday money in the mail from Grandma?
Will I have a mantle to hang stockings upon? Will I have stockings?
Will my children receive report cards?
Will I be able to go to the corner store for milk and bread?
Will we know the news from the rest of the world?
Will there be good neighbor kids to play with? Will the other kids want to play with my children?
Will I be able to make Christmas cookies with my kids, like my mother always did with me and my sisters?
Will our family be in danger?
What if someone gets sick? Will there be advanced medical care near?
Will my children know their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents?
How readily will we be able to come in touch with home?
Will our family know the language of the people around us?
I have no idea what life will be like. I expect it to be hard. I expect (and hope) it to be challenging and stretching. I expect it to be full of joy. I expect it to be full of pain. I expect that God will be with my family through it all. Lastly, I expect that life will be normal - a new and different normal.
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And lastly:
I greatly anticipate my trip to Ecuador in April and I am anxious to get a trip planned for this summer. I want to be used. I want to be stretched. I want to be confident that I am in the center of God's will for my life.
Serving Him.
Will my children know what it's like to get birthday money in the mail from Grandma?
Will I have a mantle to hang stockings upon? Will I have stockings?
Will my children receive report cards?
Will I be able to go to the corner store for milk and bread?
Will we know the news from the rest of the world?
Will there be good neighbor kids to play with? Will the other kids want to play with my children?
Will I be able to make Christmas cookies with my kids, like my mother always did with me and my sisters?
Will our family be in danger?
What if someone gets sick? Will there be advanced medical care near?
Will my children know their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents?
How readily will we be able to come in touch with home?
Will our family know the language of the people around us?
I have no idea what life will be like. I expect it to be hard. I expect (and hope) it to be challenging and stretching. I expect it to be full of joy. I expect it to be full of pain. I expect that God will be with my family through it all. Lastly, I expect that life will be normal - a new and different normal.
Why do I want to do this?? Because of this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And this:
And lastly:
I greatly anticipate my trip to Ecuador in April and I am anxious to get a trip planned for this summer. I want to be used. I want to be stretched. I want to be confident that I am in the center of God's will for my life.
Serving Him.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Shine
So I was thinking, and here are my thoughts. I tend to ramble, but stick with me.
Through our lives people learn the message of the Gospel. If what we say and what we do don't match up, we create confusion and cause people to reject the message.
Could a Christ who impatiently snapped at a waiter- someone who is likely tired from working for hours on her feet- then turn around and say to her, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."? Could a Christ who made a sarcastic remark about someone's taste in clothes be credible when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."?
Our lives are the message. The Gospel message is about transformation- the transformation of our lives by the life of Christ within us. Do our lives reflect the grace, truth, and love we have received through Christ? Or do they reveal that we haven't allowed the Spirit of Christ to transform us into His image so that only He shines through?
Jesus is the light of the world, but as His followers we are also described in the same way saying "You are the light of the world". Christ says, "Let your light shine". We to enable the light to shine. Once we lose connection with the source of Light (Christ), our light grows increasingly weak. To shine, we need to let Christ lift us out of the valley of ourselves and our own efforts and set us back on the Rock.
Christ is saying, "Remember who the Light is. Let me shine through you." A city on a hill cannot be hidden. The hill is Jesus, we are just the city. There is nothing about us that raises us higher than other people. Everything we are as the light of the world comes from our being set on the hill.
We are to be a holy nation, a people belonging to God, who declare the praises of Him who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light. Is our desire for proclaiming our faith motivated by a desire to be the light of the world? Or has it been the result of fear?
There has also developed a "macho Christian" attitude in our world. What started out as a desire to be bold for Christ is now promoting an arrogant attitude. It is like the parable Jesus told of the man who was forgiven a huge debt he could never repay, but then he went out and beat up another man who owed him practically nothing. Once we've been forgiven, we forget that the only difference between "us" and "them" is grace.
Sometimes we have the idea that wearing and displaying these messages of our faith is the sum total of what it means to be a witness, instead of recognizing that we ourselves are that witness.
I think we have also shifted our focus to what we are against rather than what we are for. If my focus is solely on not sinning, then I am also not going to accomplish anything for Christ's kingdom, and I may keep on sinning anyways. Jesus went from the glory of Heaven to a sinful world. His love for us caused Him to take extreme measures. We must do the same thing, motivated by the same love.
And another thing... today, many of us are tempted to make teh Christian faith into something that sounds appealing to people's self-interests, as if it's merely a self-help method. Yet this approach ignores the reality of our need to die to ourselves and take up our cross daily in order to follow Christ. If following Christ wasn't satisfying, would you still do it anyways?
In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. None of us has life in ourselves. All of us- the saved and the sinners- are equal in our need for God. There is no one righteous, not even one.
We will start being effective when we stop trying to change other people and instead change ourselves. To shine, you have to fill yourself with Christ, first by emptying yourself.
Remember-- your life is the message.
Through our lives people learn the message of the Gospel. If what we say and what we do don't match up, we create confusion and cause people to reject the message.
Could a Christ who impatiently snapped at a waiter- someone who is likely tired from working for hours on her feet- then turn around and say to her, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."? Could a Christ who made a sarcastic remark about someone's taste in clothes be credible when he said, "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."?
Our lives are the message. The Gospel message is about transformation- the transformation of our lives by the life of Christ within us. Do our lives reflect the grace, truth, and love we have received through Christ? Or do they reveal that we haven't allowed the Spirit of Christ to transform us into His image so that only He shines through?
Jesus is the light of the world, but as His followers we are also described in the same way saying "You are the light of the world". Christ says, "Let your light shine". We to enable the light to shine. Once we lose connection with the source of Light (Christ), our light grows increasingly weak. To shine, we need to let Christ lift us out of the valley of ourselves and our own efforts and set us back on the Rock.
Christ is saying, "Remember who the Light is. Let me shine through you." A city on a hill cannot be hidden. The hill is Jesus, we are just the city. There is nothing about us that raises us higher than other people. Everything we are as the light of the world comes from our being set on the hill.
We are to be a holy nation, a people belonging to God, who declare the praises of Him who called us out of darkness into His wonderful light. Is our desire for proclaiming our faith motivated by a desire to be the light of the world? Or has it been the result of fear?
There has also developed a "macho Christian" attitude in our world. What started out as a desire to be bold for Christ is now promoting an arrogant attitude. It is like the parable Jesus told of the man who was forgiven a huge debt he could never repay, but then he went out and beat up another man who owed him practically nothing. Once we've been forgiven, we forget that the only difference between "us" and "them" is grace.
Sometimes we have the idea that wearing and displaying these messages of our faith is the sum total of what it means to be a witness, instead of recognizing that we ourselves are that witness.
I think we have also shifted our focus to what we are against rather than what we are for. If my focus is solely on not sinning, then I am also not going to accomplish anything for Christ's kingdom, and I may keep on sinning anyways. Jesus went from the glory of Heaven to a sinful world. His love for us caused Him to take extreme measures. We must do the same thing, motivated by the same love.
And another thing... today, many of us are tempted to make teh Christian faith into something that sounds appealing to people's self-interests, as if it's merely a self-help method. Yet this approach ignores the reality of our need to die to ourselves and take up our cross daily in order to follow Christ. If following Christ wasn't satisfying, would you still do it anyways?
In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. None of us has life in ourselves. All of us- the saved and the sinners- are equal in our need for God. There is no one righteous, not even one.
We will start being effective when we stop trying to change other people and instead change ourselves. To shine, you have to fill yourself with Christ, first by emptying yourself.
Remember-- your life is the message.
I think that is enough for today.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
100 things I'm thankful for
100 things I am thankful for:
the upcoming opportunity to go to Ecuador
the friendly strangers that make a bad day just a little better
how great my brother-in-law is
my beautiful car
God's timing
my memories with and of Ryan
the warm and sunny days
getting to know Evan
my mom's support in my call to missions
a Christian education
David and Michele and all they have done over the years
laughter
dreams
becoming such good friends with Haley and Jamaica
my friendship with Anna
the joys of Christmas
Phil and Stephanie
jokes that are not even funny, but make you laugh
free tuition at IWU
my previous expierences in Atlanta, Mexico, Honduras, and the DR
a coat
expression in art
the seventh day of creation
papu's smile
translators
a mom and dad that love me
airplanes that go soo fast
my friends that are always there for me
a queen sized bed
family traditions
fun on the weekends
music
the songs that make me happy
shows like oprah that inspire me
my health
the little blessings
God's Word
shoes (and multiple pairs at that)
the feeling of unity on an athletic team
my little sister
and my big sister
a good sense of accomplishment after writing a big paper, or finishing a long test
the morning news
my Grandma's long life and every moment I get to spend with her
a washer and dryer
the good people that do good things
the medicine that is healing my father
God's calling on my life
joy
Reed family reunions on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve
God's abounding love
God's forgiveness
email that allows me to keep in touch with those i wouldnt be able to otherwise
my friendship with Jordan, Jessica, and Angel
missionaries like Tim and Tiffany who surrender their lives to serve God
God's providence in opening the door to Honduras
being healed of acute cerebelym ataxia
choices
church softball in the summertime
blue skies
waking up and realizing you still have an abundance of time to sleep
the cross
and the empty tomb
the soldiers serving our country on foreign land and at home
good movies
the teacher who taught me how to read
kids like Ashton
kids that know the Pledge of Allegiance
hooded sweatshirts
a lack of spiders in my surrounding environment
grace
mercy
childhood memories, especially ones that stick in your mind for no apparent reason
disposable diapers
people who ask to just go out for coffee
Jack Johnson and Stephen Speaks
photographs
time to just sit around
campfires
old friends I never talk to anymore, but I know they still remember me
answered prayers
eternity in Heaven
shade trees in the summer
the Pacific Ocean
and the Atlantic Ocean
beautiful voices like Lycia and Dr. Paul
meeting someone new for the first time that you know you will like
having all the five senses
heat
airconditioning
the sun when it comes out
a toilet that allows me to flush the paper
how funerals and weddings can bring a family together like nothing else
Spring Break
guessing games
free samples
the arrows that show you which way to insert the batteries
people who use their turn signals
those little plastic things on the ends of your shoelaces
the vertical scroll bar
roadside rest areas
yellow and white road line dividers
super-powers
the upcoming opportunity to go to Ecuador
the friendly strangers that make a bad day just a little better
how great my brother-in-law is
my beautiful car
God's timing
my memories with and of Ryan
the warm and sunny days
getting to know Evan
my mom's support in my call to missions
a Christian education
David and Michele and all they have done over the years
laughter
dreams
becoming such good friends with Haley and Jamaica
my friendship with Anna
the joys of Christmas
Phil and Stephanie
jokes that are not even funny, but make you laugh
free tuition at IWU
my previous expierences in Atlanta, Mexico, Honduras, and the DR
a coat
expression in art
the seventh day of creation
papu's smile
translators
a mom and dad that love me
airplanes that go soo fast
my friends that are always there for me
a queen sized bed
family traditions
fun on the weekends
music
the songs that make me happy
shows like oprah that inspire me
my health
the little blessings
God's Word
shoes (and multiple pairs at that)
the feeling of unity on an athletic team
my little sister
and my big sister
a good sense of accomplishment after writing a big paper, or finishing a long test
the morning news
my Grandma's long life and every moment I get to spend with her
a washer and dryer
the good people that do good things
the medicine that is healing my father
God's calling on my life
joy
Reed family reunions on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve
God's abounding love
God's forgiveness
email that allows me to keep in touch with those i wouldnt be able to otherwise
my friendship with Jordan, Jessica, and Angel
missionaries like Tim and Tiffany who surrender their lives to serve God
God's providence in opening the door to Honduras
being healed of acute cerebelym ataxia
choices
church softball in the summertime
blue skies
waking up and realizing you still have an abundance of time to sleep
the cross
and the empty tomb
the soldiers serving our country on foreign land and at home
good movies
the teacher who taught me how to read
kids like Ashton
kids that know the Pledge of Allegiance
hooded sweatshirts
a lack of spiders in my surrounding environment
grace
mercy
childhood memories, especially ones that stick in your mind for no apparent reason
disposable diapers
people who ask to just go out for coffee
Jack Johnson and Stephen Speaks
photographs
time to just sit around
campfires
old friends I never talk to anymore, but I know they still remember me
answered prayers
eternity in Heaven
shade trees in the summer
the Pacific Ocean
and the Atlantic Ocean
beautiful voices like Lycia and Dr. Paul
meeting someone new for the first time that you know you will like
having all the five senses
heat
airconditioning
the sun when it comes out
a toilet that allows me to flush the paper
how funerals and weddings can bring a family together like nothing else
Spring Break
guessing games
free samples
the arrows that show you which way to insert the batteries
people who use their turn signals
those little plastic things on the ends of your shoelaces
the vertical scroll bar
roadside rest areas
yellow and white road line dividers
super-powers
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
DR memories
Remember when Nichole lost her passport in Miami?
Remember when the flight attendant spilled my water and I changed out of my jeans still in my seat and still on the plane
Remember how many Cambodian feather games went over the roof at the White's house?
Remember on the way to Puerto Plato when we found a large spider in the van, and Jamaica jumped on Josh's lap? Also remember Wilton taking those pictures of me with his phone?
Remember when the dog in Pancho Mateo "attacked" that guy?
Remember watching in astonishment the water truck come to Chi Chi Gua?
Remember giving away the clothes and helping dress the naked kids?
Remember when 2 men fought over a pair of pants?
Remember when Jessie blew a kiss at Jamaica and some hombre in a truck thought it was for him?
Remember how long highs and lows took?
Remember the 1st night when Ty was afraid to sleep on the roof?
Remember when I chased a cow down the road?
Remember asking Rafael 120 questions about nothing?
Remember when I thought I could kill the spider..........?
Remember sitting in the dirt to make bracelets?
Remember the parachute game?
Remember when Jessie, Megan, Nichole, and Emily got lost?
Remember the chubby kid at the metal crafter's house?
Remember when Andres climbed the coco tree?
Remember teaching Rafael how to count to 10 in english?
Remember when I cried in the shower?
Remember fighting over the backwards window seats?
Jamaica, remember when we jumped on the tires with Andres?
Remember when Ty broke one of the chairs at breakfast?
Remember running and jumping onto our mattresses before bed?
Remember playing eye spy but all we ever saw was sugar cane?
Remember Brian's yellow hat?
Remember when I was the only one that cried when we left Pancho Mateo the 1st time? AND NO ONE CARED!!! =<
Remember the annoying goida instrument?
Remember how afraid Eduardo was of Jessie's puppet, Eduardo?
Remember Feodi's sweet song?
Remember how long Francis' tongue was?
Remember my Papu's fish face?
Remember when Frankie told everyone I would cry when I left?
Remember pouring water into the kids' mouths?
Remember little baby Riley?
Remember the kids climbing through the windows?
Remember our really long game of Phase 10 on the roof?
Remember when the chicos carried me across the court in Pancho Mateo?
Remember church in Chi Chi Gua? The amazing soloist? Communion? The foot washing?
Remember how LOUD IT WAS???
Remember when the beam fell down on Megan's head?
Remember passing Pancho Mateo on the loooong drive to take Isaac home? Remember our kids running out into the street with their arms open waiting for us to stop?
Remember the girl who took like 5 necklaces in Chi Chi Gua?
Remember how big Alfredo was?
Remember when that girl ate Jamaica's bubbles?
Remember the spear game?
Remember the well? And the rain? And the woman in the white dress?
Remember when I touched that donkey.. uck.
Remember the boy with the pony tail in Negro Melo?
Remember Elijah's curly hair?
Remember when Jessie threw water on that girl?
Remember when Megan was always right and knew everything?
Nichole, remember wherever we went I made you take a picture of me jumping in the air?
Remember Brian and Bethany's Canadian neighbor man?
Remember climbing the roof?
Remember when that hombre gave us records to fan ourselves?
Remember when the kids took off their shirts and fanned us?
Remember the green dress?
Remember Tiffany's multiple facial expressions?
Remember throwing the vall from down the street up onto the roof? Remember how horrible Rafael was, and how Andres laughed?
Remember when Steven cut his head?
Remember Mike's laugh and "stoked and a half"?
Remember the dancing lessons?
Remember the ice cream? And popping our collars?
Remember the horse hot dogs?
Remember the line at the bathroom at 3am that next morning?
Remember when Ruben fixed up Tiffany's foot at the beach?
Remember when there were ants in our sandwiches and we went to the pastery?
Remember when I bought 20 popsicles?
Remember Adam's gilligan hat?
Remember playing the Cambodian game with the shoe shiner kids? Remember when their boss came and they all ran away?
Remember all the sand dollars?
Remember writing our names in the sand?
Remember taking pictures of our mouths in the van?
Jamaica, remember walking barefoot in the street?
Tyrone, remember that talk??
Remember taking out everyones braids?
Remember when Mike killed that spider in the bathroom downstairs?
Remember how sick Jessie was on dia 9?
Remember when I scared Jamie into thinking we were going to crash?
Remember Luca and the star fruit?
Remember Jamie's pig?
Remember my most embarassing moment in Ruben's bedroom?
Remember the woman that looked like Nichole's grandma?
Remember singing Queremos Darte Gloria to Mercedes?
Remember Rafael had a dog named Jessie?
Remember caballitos?
Remember trying to teach Rafael kemps, but he just kept cheating?
Remember the games Rafael and Rafaelito?
Remember that God is in Africa?
Remember when I DIDN'T get to ride Rafael's motocicleta?
Remember when the flight attendant spilled my water and I changed out of my jeans still in my seat and still on the plane
Remember how many Cambodian feather games went over the roof at the White's house?
Remember on the way to Puerto Plato when we found a large spider in the van, and Jamaica jumped on Josh's lap? Also remember Wilton taking those pictures of me with his phone?
Remember when the dog in Pancho Mateo "attacked" that guy?
Remember watching in astonishment the water truck come to Chi Chi Gua?
Remember giving away the clothes and helping dress the naked kids?
Remember when 2 men fought over a pair of pants?
Remember when Jessie blew a kiss at Jamaica and some hombre in a truck thought it was for him?
Remember how long highs and lows took?
Remember the 1st night when Ty was afraid to sleep on the roof?
Remember when I chased a cow down the road?
Remember asking Rafael 120 questions about nothing?
Remember when I thought I could kill the spider..........?
Remember sitting in the dirt to make bracelets?
Remember the parachute game?
Remember when Jessie, Megan, Nichole, and Emily got lost?
Remember the chubby kid at the metal crafter's house?
Remember when Andres climbed the coco tree?
Remember teaching Rafael how to count to 10 in english?
Remember when I cried in the shower?
Remember fighting over the backwards window seats?
Jamaica, remember when we jumped on the tires with Andres?
Remember when Ty broke one of the chairs at breakfast?
Remember running and jumping onto our mattresses before bed?
Remember playing eye spy but all we ever saw was sugar cane?
Remember Brian's yellow hat?
Remember when I was the only one that cried when we left Pancho Mateo the 1st time? AND NO ONE CARED!!! =<
Remember the annoying goida instrument?
Remember how afraid Eduardo was of Jessie's puppet, Eduardo?
Remember Feodi's sweet song?
Remember how long Francis' tongue was?
Remember my Papu's fish face?
Remember when Frankie told everyone I would cry when I left?
Remember pouring water into the kids' mouths?
Remember little baby Riley?
Remember the kids climbing through the windows?
Remember our really long game of Phase 10 on the roof?
Remember when the chicos carried me across the court in Pancho Mateo?
Remember church in Chi Chi Gua? The amazing soloist? Communion? The foot washing?
Remember how LOUD IT WAS???
Remember when the beam fell down on Megan's head?
Remember passing Pancho Mateo on the loooong drive to take Isaac home? Remember our kids running out into the street with their arms open waiting for us to stop?
Remember the girl who took like 5 necklaces in Chi Chi Gua?
Remember how big Alfredo was?
Remember when that girl ate Jamaica's bubbles?
Remember the spear game?
Remember the well? And the rain? And the woman in the white dress?
Remember when I touched that donkey.. uck.
Remember the boy with the pony tail in Negro Melo?
Remember Elijah's curly hair?
Remember when Jessie threw water on that girl?
Remember when Megan was always right and knew everything?
Nichole, remember wherever we went I made you take a picture of me jumping in the air?
Remember Brian and Bethany's Canadian neighbor man?
Remember climbing the roof?
Remember when that hombre gave us records to fan ourselves?
Remember when the kids took off their shirts and fanned us?
Remember the green dress?
Remember Tiffany's multiple facial expressions?
Remember throwing the vall from down the street up onto the roof? Remember how horrible Rafael was, and how Andres laughed?
Remember when Steven cut his head?
Remember Mike's laugh and "stoked and a half"?
Remember the dancing lessons?
Remember the ice cream? And popping our collars?
Remember the horse hot dogs?
Remember the line at the bathroom at 3am that next morning?
Remember when Ruben fixed up Tiffany's foot at the beach?
Remember when there were ants in our sandwiches and we went to the pastery?
Remember when I bought 20 popsicles?
Remember Adam's gilligan hat?
Remember playing the Cambodian game with the shoe shiner kids? Remember when their boss came and they all ran away?
Remember all the sand dollars?
Remember writing our names in the sand?
Remember taking pictures of our mouths in the van?
Jamaica, remember walking barefoot in the street?
Tyrone, remember that talk??
Remember taking out everyones braids?
Remember when Mike killed that spider in the bathroom downstairs?
Remember how sick Jessie was on dia 9?
Remember when I scared Jamie into thinking we were going to crash?
Remember Luca and the star fruit?
Remember Jamie's pig?
Remember my most embarassing moment in Ruben's bedroom?
Remember the woman that looked like Nichole's grandma?
Remember singing Queremos Darte Gloria to Mercedes?
Remember Rafael had a dog named Jessie?
Remember caballitos?
Remember trying to teach Rafael kemps, but he just kept cheating?
Remember the games Rafael and Rafaelito?
Remember that God is in Africa?
Remember when I DIDN'T get to ride Rafael's motocicleta?
Saturday, November 04, 2006
the only thing that hurts worse than saying goodbye
The only thing that hurts worse than saying goodbye is not having the chance to say it. It’s been a pretty hard few days. I’m walking slower, I am unable to sleep, but God has given me strength. My help comes from the Lord. The Lord is carrying me through. God is good, and His love endures forever.
Ryan’s favorite color was green. Green is the color of life and growth. It doesn’t seem right to move on when Ryan is done with it all. No more birthdays, no more laughing, no more jokes, no more music, and no more McDonalds. It will get easier, but it will never be the same. Nothing loved is ever truly lost. His memories are all I have left, and I'm so thankful for every one. Ryan will continue to live on in my heart.
Grief is all to often accompanied by guilt. I’m feeling regret for all the things left unsaid. He always seemed the cheerful one, if only I heard his desperate cry. I never knew. Faces hide as much as they reveal, and things aren't always what they seem. I should have told him how much I cared.
I am so proud to have been Ryan’s friend. He sent this to me just days before his death:
We are Friends, I got your back, You got mine, I'll help you out anytime! To see you hurt, To see you cry, Makes me weep, And wanna die. And if you agree, To never fight, It wouldn't matter, Whos wrong or right. If a broken heart, Needs a mend, I'll be right there, Till the end. If your cheeks are wet, From drops of tears, Don't worry, Let go of your fears. Hand in hand, Love is sent, We'll be friends, Till the end!!!!
Ryan Nolan, ya goof, we will be friends, until the end.
I lift my eyes up
Unto the mountains
Where does my help come from??
My help comes from you
Maker of heaven
Creater of the earth
Oh how I need you Lord
You are my only hope
You are my only prayer
So i will wait for you
To come and rescue me
To come and give me life
[Kutless]
Tell the ones you love just how much you care. Never hold a grudge and always forgive.
To Ryan:
Because by what you imparted
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever.
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was given and taught to me, will be given and taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you have gone.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
no one knows what to say
♥Ryan Nolan Dean♥
March 15, 1991 - October 31, 2006
We had just talked and everything seemed ok.
Death never gets any easier. Three months ago when Brice was killed I attempted grieving on my own, and it was very difficult. Now, even surrounded by a group that cares, I am overcome with so many emotions. It doesn't seem real that he is gone. Ryan is gone, he is really gone. I want to be happy, but I do not want to move on. Each new day is a blessing. Take nothing for granted and let those who mean the most to you know how you feel. Keep your friends close, and your memories even closer, because one day that may be all you have left. No one deserves this. Soon life will move on, and although that will be nice, it doesn't seem right.
No one knows what to say to help the healing process, so alot of people havn't said anything. It's just not my personality to say "No, I'm not ok." *A shoulder to cry on* was lame and cliche before yesterday. No one can say anything to make the hurt go away, but the embraces mean so much. My true friends are the ones with my tears on their shirts, and in their hair. Thank you for the calls, the prayers, the notes on my windshield, and the shoulders.
I remember one time we were having a bonfire at the Dean's and Ryan helped smear chocolate cupcakes all over my newly waxed and detailed car. I was so ticked off and war began. I went to his room in hopes of embarassing footage. I found a Michael Jackson cassette, a princess Jasmine bath towel, and a pink-haired troll doll. Another time a few of us were at Wal-Mart and he just didn't care at all about embarassing us. He was talking way loud, and started dancing in the aisles. Whether there was 1 or 2 or 3 people in my tiny backseat Ryan always made himself comfy, and we were way squished. Online he always started a conversation with lyrics from one of my favorite songs. *Cause [you're] all that I see and [you're] all that I need and I'm out of my league once again.* Ryan made me laugh so hard and so loud.
I always had a good time with Ryan and I trust that He is having a good time now. Our God is gracious, and merciful. His love is unending and his forgiveness is abounding.
Psalm 119:76 ~ May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.
Psalm 121 ~ I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth.
I love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)